I'm still on hiatus, immersed in Big Brother land, BUT, I just had to ask this question, and if truth be known, I miss you mofo's!! *Group Grope* Ahhhh that's nice.

So anyway, just say you were in a long distance relationship and only saw your boy/girl on weekends, would you feel immense pressure to keep the sexin sizzling hot? Would you want to get the absolute best quality lovin' you could in a short time frame? Would you go out of your way to make sure that persons memory of the weekend was smokin' hot, enough to sustain them all week? Would you feel that if you hadn't done every single position in the Kama Sutra at least once that you're failing somehow?

So many questions?? And no answers in Cosmo. Boooo!

Trouble is, there are some very tricky positions in that kama sutra. People could do some real damage to themselves if they weren't careful. In fact, I suggest everyone limber up for at least half an hour, go for a jog around the block and get medical clearance before you attempt any maneuvers, otherwise you may do yourself a mischief, like, oh I dunno, herniate a fucking disc in your back!!!!

What's wrong with the plain old missionary position? I ask you, has anyone ever rendered themselves unable to move without a zimmer frame or even bend enough to put their own knickers back on? NO. They. Haven't!!

Missionary is much maligned, and I wanna bring it back in vogue! There is no need for circus like shenanigans in the bedroom. There is no need to swing from the rafters and cause yourself injury. Missionary is safe, it is good, it does the friggin job, what more do you blooody want??

So, I've declared this month, "Hooray For Missionary" month! Everybody go and shag yourself senseless old skool stylee! Your back will thank you.




Can someone please put my shoes on for me? I need to hobble down the street and buy a heat pack. Cheers.

Regular readers may have noticed blog activity here on Much Ado slipping into a steady decline. Not in the quality of posts as they are as shitful as ever, but in the quantity. Fact of the matter is I just don't have the time lately to indulge in my public masturbationathons in Blogsville.

I feel bad that i don't have time to leave brain farts all over the place, or regale you with tales of my humiliation and fuckwittery, but there just ain't enough hours in the day!

Work is kicking my arse, my friends are as demanding as ever, my boy is.....well he's just perfect, he doesn't hassle me at all about what I do online as long as I share the pr0n links with him, but it's all getting a bit much!

In a few weeks, Big Brother season 8 begins in Oz. People who know me, understand that this is my crack. My dirty little secret addiction (not so secret really, you can catch me during the season on my BB blog, The Diary Room, where I will be whoring it up in the extreme) so you see, something had to give. I don't think I can do two blogs at once AND attempt to have some kind of life.

I'm not going away for good (suck on that h8tors) I still have about 25 posts to go before I hit the big 500, but I will be taking a little break as of now.

You can always shoot me an email at srshaw1981@hotmail.com, or come play in my diary room in a few weeks.

Until then, I will pop in and see the special ones every now and then, and have myself a little rest.
In the meantime, rest assured that although I'm giving you the arse for a little while, I will be back.............like the proverbial bad smell. Huzzah!!!!!

I was on the train going to work (on account of a I'm a no license owning beeyotch and no mofo has taken me up on the offer of being my personal chauffeur, boo to you!)

Anyhoo, I was on the train and every person in my section was plugged into an Ipod or phone. Now, normally I too am tuning out the world in this manner but yesterday I dropped my Ipod in the toilet. This takes the number of things I've dropped down the bog to seven.

Two phones (hipster jeans are the devils work)
A bracelet (slipped off while wiping. Ewww too much info)
Sunglasses (fell backwards off my head, I had been using them as a headband to keep the hair out of my face, don't say you don't do that.
My wallet, (hipster jeans again)
A shoe (that was funny. I was having an argument with my a boyfriend, he ran in the bathroom to avoid my shoe throwing wrath, but I caught him on the noggin and it bounced into the loo).

Sorry, sidetracked again. I was on the train without my Ipod and it was irritating me immensely.
To my left I was being tormented with what sounded like Metallica, on the right, some kind of country abomination.
Egads! I've never wanted to hack my own ears off more.

That's when I thunk something uber cool.
Wouldn't it be great if some techno wizard could invent an Ipod scrambler. A little device anti-Ipod peeps can carry about their person so that when they're being bombarded by shite music escaping the earphones of a gormless twat near them, they can set off this device and every Ipod within a ten foot radius would have a screeching sound pierce their eardrums and make them bleed! Oh yeah, and then maybe a voice, say one that sounds like a pissed off Jebus, could bellow

"Turn off your shitful music, or I will smite thee with a lightning bolt up your rectum"

Haaaaaahahaha!

Can you top that? What thought did you thunk today?

When I was a teen my brother was a bit of a junior manwhore and I took endless pleasure in cockblocking him at every turn.
One of my favourite things to do when he brought home yet another conquest, was to say things like, "Craig, she does NOT have a big arse", or when one of them phoned for him I'd yell out "Pindick!, which one did you say you weren't home for? Was it Michelle or Koula, 'cos Koula is on the phone".

Bitch I am! Muahahaha!

We had a cordless phone back in the day, I know,technomalogically advanced!, and there was a constant echo whenever you were on the phone. This benefited me in that I could pick up the other line and eavesdrop on every conversation without the other person knowing.
I loved to listen in when my brother was chatting to one of his girls, when ever there was a lull in conversation I would throw in random words like "Wanker" or "Slutguts". This was hilarious to me because it would start them arguing.
Girl- What did you call me?
Craig- nothing!

I'd do it again, this time saying something like "Scrotum breath" between stifled giggles.

Craig- What did you just say?
Girl- I thought that was you! Do you have a personality disorder of some sort?

Baaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha! Evilish!

So anyway, my brother has found himself single for the first time in THIRTEEN years! His marriage broke up just before christmas and it was a truly painful time for the whole family. It still is really. He has four sons between the ages of 12-4, and currently has sole custody. It's complicated.

However, he's starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel and has recently been on a few dates.
This is where the fun begins. The foolish bastard has been asking ME for advice! Everything from clothes to pick up lines and I just can't help messin with him!
I don't let him go out looking like a clown or anything, but it's fun to torment him in other ways.

EG
Me- Douche, times have changed, women love it when you call them bitch and 'ho!
Craig- No way! Only Rap artists get away with that shit.
Me- I'm serious! When you buy some girl a drink tonight you have to say, "Swallow that, bitch!" then slap her on the arse. She'll fall in love with you. Guaranteed.
Craig- ............You're full of it.
Me- Fine! You'll be goin' home alone

I just know he's gonna try it and probably get a drink thrown over him! Huzzah!

So far he's tried speed dating, RSVP, and a few blind dates. I'm trying to convince him to start a blog, because everybody knows the hottest and smartest chicks blog. Am I right??? But the pussy is too afeared of dating a blogger. In his words, "Can you imagine! If i was a crap shag the whole internerd would know about it within hours"
He has a point.

So, seeing as how I have the best commenter's in the whole blogosphere. FACT. I thought I'd let you all give him some advice, and who knows, he may even blog stalk some of the single chicks and hook up! w00t, w00t!
At the very least he'd make great blog fodder!
Spill it!!!!

This post is further evidence that I'm easily amused and crack MYSELF up better than anyone else can. Yes, I'm a halfwit, and what?

I was having a spot of supper at McDonalds in Stanmore,(a classier establishment you'd be hard pressed to find at three in the AM), when I just happened to glance at the ceiling, as one does when one is enjoying dipping ones fries in ones Sundae, you should try it, after a night on the piss it's like nectar from the Gods.

Where was I?

Oh yes, gazing skyward in Maccers contemplating life, when I noticed a vast assortment of pickles and cheese slices that some wayward youths (or pissed suits after a post brothel shag happy meal) had tossed up to the ceiling.
I've witnessed this sport before. You see the pickle is a much maligned ingredient in Maccers hamburgers. I remember having pickle races as a teen, we'd throw our pickles at the window and the first pickle to slide down the glass, won. Good times.

So anyway, a few of the pickles on the ceiling had begun to peel off and drop on the unsuspecting patrons below. Oh the hilarity!

I watched this one pickle unstick itself slowly over a period of maybe ten minutes, it was riveting because it was directly atop a hot, drunk, redheaded, chicky, sitting two tables away from me. I couldn't wait for it to drop in her ample cleavage or smack her on the forehead and the scare the shite outta her, because people, she was, OFF. Her. Face!
She was on the nod, and struggling to co-ordinate her hands and mouth enough to partake of the double cheeseburger she had just purchased.
We've all been there, right? It feels like some fucker keeps moving your mouth and you slam that burger into your eye, into your chin or even your ear before you hit a bullseye and get it in your gob.......or maybe that's just me and the hot redhead. ANYWAY.......

This girl and her boy were totally oblivious to the pickle drama unfolding above them, and I was about wetting myself with the anticipation and high drama of it all. I TOLD you bitches I was easily amused!!

FINALLY, some twenty minutes later, it dropped. Right on her head! But fuck me dead if I'm lying, she didn't even flinch.
She was that magotted she didn't even notice that a grimy, slimy, pickle was now sitting atop her drunk noggin!

Looking around the room I noticed two other people who had seen the pickle drop on her head. We looked at each other like "Did you see that? Highfive!" then shrugged and went back to eating our food, because mofo's, this is Sydney, that's how we roll.

When I was finished and on my way out, I had to walk past pickle head's table, and I thought to myself, "Steph, you can not just leave this poor woman with a pickle on her head. You have to say something!!!"

So I did.
I leaned in close to her ear and said,

"Would you like fries with that?"

Baaaaaaahahahahaha! Thinking about it again STILL brings a tear to my eye. I'm a funny fucker and no mistake.
Don't forget to tip your waitress, I'll be here all week.
Cheers!

I was in the gym this week, working out, thinking things I'd never thunk before, when a dude across the way caught my eye.
He was on one of those stepper things and as he strode up and down I couldn't help but notice quite a lot of movement under his sweat stained t-shirt. Dude had the biggest man cans I have ever seen and it was quite bizzare because the rest of him seemed pretty fit. He had defined legs....shaved, big arms, also shaved, and definite dickage in the groinal area, no folds of skin hiding THAT.

I was mesmerized by the sway of his bitchtits! I could not drag my eyes away!
Obviously, because I'm not the most subtle of people, he noticed me gawking and smiled. He then got off the stepper and did this hands above his head stretch so that I could clearly see he had the most curvy, womanly, sexy, fucking, boobs, I'd ever seen............besides mine of course.

What in the fuck?
He looked like a man. A man with a wondrous rack!

Lightbulb moment! Oh noes! It's another tranny.........or someone in the process of becoming one.
You all remember my foray into the gay and lesbian mardi gras recently, how my friend was chased by the Amazon woMan? Scroll down and read it again, I'll wait.

SO! I averted my eyes pretty sharpish, I didn't fancy a bitchslappin that early in the AM. No thankyouverymuch.

Now, please note, I'm a huge fan of guys with dicks and boobs, what a grand combo, I just didn't want this ladyboy to be offended by my staring and take a man sized fist to my noggin.

Beeyotch's, I am just fascinated by this person. I can't stop thinking about those boobies and the contrast to the rest of his hard body!!!!!!
This is disturbing me.............What does it all mean??? Is my kinkometer going up yet another notch??? Am I entering freak status, or did I pass that already?

Somebody help meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! I've started stalking the gym in the hopes of seeing him/her again. I'd kill for a good up close ogle of this person........maybe even cop a feel???

Argghhhhhhhhhh!
I'm gonna email this post to my shrink and pray that my boy doesn't decide to spy on my blog this week. You all have a good weekend.

I was taking some rubbish downstairs the other day, in my jammies and my fevered state, when I was accosted by Mrs Wiltshire from two floors up.
Mrs Wiltshire is on the "Tenants Committee" and was one of the screaming harridans who hated on me for not putting my garbage bin out on collection day. Boo hooo, yada,yada.

The conversation went like this;

Her- Oh there you are! I've been meaning to catch up with you for ages.
ME- *Thinking* Oh fucking great! what have I done NOW? Farted upwind in the lobby?
ME- Oh? why?
Her- I just wanted you to know that garden gnome you were throwing out went to a good home, and the pot plant is revived and looks stunning on my balcony. Honestly, the youth of today are so WASTEFUL, how can you in good conscience throw perfectly good things away like that?

*crickets chirp* What the fark is she talking about? Ohhh Harold!! My Buddha! And my decoy pot plant!

ME- Ohhh you mean my Buddha!
Her- Buddha? That's a funny name for a garden gnome. Even so he was a surly looking little man, so I painted some colourful clothes on him and a big smile. He's like a clown gnome now!

*Beaming. So pleased with herself, while I nearly choke on the acid in my sore throat trying not to laugh*

Me- You made my Buddha into a CLOWN?
Her- Yes, gave it to my sister, she has a whole collection you know, she was quite pleased with it.
Me- *speechless*

Her- That plant looks lovely you should come and have a look, and the pot it's in is quite beautiful, it must have been expensive.
Me- It was!
Her- I really don't understand why you would throw those things away. We are such a wasteful society, no wonder there's a hole in the ozone layer and global storming!

Me- global storming? *My rancid Tonsils are going to fly out of my mouth any second from the strain of trying not to laugh in her face*

Her- Anyway, next time, please use the garbage facilities, and if you have anything else you want to get rid of, see me first, if we can't find a good home for it I'll help you take it down to the CORRECT disposal area, Ok dear?

I can barely nod. I'm gobsmacked!

Poor Harold has been sent to the freakin Gnome circus! No wonder my karma has been so shitful!!!
Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah!
Excuse me while I roll around the floor clutching my sides for a while. Have a good week!