Lately there seems to be a theme amongst the uncouth, trashy element of the Aussie blogosphere (of which I'm a proud, flag waving, member) to discuss gross sexual misadventures of the oral kind.
You know I'm all over that bandwagon and happily join two of my favourite bloggy boys, Fingers and Bobo in trying to make you all lose your cookies whilst marveling at our class and decorum. Haaaaaaaahahaha!

If you are weak of the stomach or a snails breath above the gutter, look away now. That means you my lovely ladies of the Vogue Forums, and mum if you're lurking!

So anyway, the boys latest posts reminded me of the time as a horny teenager, I'd gone down for a bit of a gobble on my latest boyfriend. Now, being drunk, horny and impatient, this all took place down by "the river". Yeah, that's COOK'S RIVER, for those playing at home. Fucking romantic that stinking, cess pool was too. *shudder* So it's dark, it's stinky and we're both magotty. Good times.

So I'm down there, and his dick seemed more lubed than usual. Whatever. Precum maybe. I keep going at it when I realise my mouth seems to be filling up with a creamy, slightly gritty substance that is definitely NOT cum. Then I notice the smell.

I pull away, spit and get a closer look at his wang.

Dude had THE worst case of dick cheese I have ever seen! Seriously, KRAFT could have scrapped that stuff up, put it in a jar and sold it as cottage cheese. Arrggghhhh!!
I don't know whether he had some kind of infection or had not washed his schlong in FOREVER, but it was nasty and henceforth ended any oral shenanigans with him.

I guess the moral to all these stories is, if you are going to chow down in a person's nether regions, don't do it in the dark, don't do it when you're drunk and bring a magnifying glass with you to check the area for cheese, jam or homeless midgets who haven't bathed in a while!

This has been a public (pubic) service announcement from the department of genital cleanliness and well being!!!