Well, I don't care. I am who I am, and if I'm coming off as a trailer trash, then so be it. I've always wanted to be on Jerry Springer anyway. Bite me!
So, where was I? Oh yeah, a very proud, flag waving, bogan* relative of mine, was married on the weekend, and I laughed so much I cried. I'm not a bogan hater, in fact, I have many relatives of this breed. My own father, a born and bred country boy from Forbes in country NSW, is as feral as can be. How he managed to attract and marry an English, boarding school, university educated, all around classy chick like my mum is totally beyond me. But I digress.
I heart me some bogans.
The ceremony itself was ok, but the backyard reception was a complete fiasco, as I shall explain.
The Bridal party. For real!!
The bride wore white, even though, "She has no right too, considering she has three kids from three different fathers. Virgin me arse". That quote was from my aunt, the mother of the groom and the brides new mother in law. Bahahahaha! To be fair, Aunty Shirl had just endured a seven hour train ride from Kempsey, and hadn't had a drink or a cigarette since she boarded the train at 6am that morning!
Other comments that kept me entertained throughout the reception included, but was not limited to the following.
* Biatch1-"These heels keep sinking into the grass, they're gonna have fucking grass stains on them. How the hell will I return them to 'payless'?"
Biatch3- "That's what you get for wearing white shoes. You trying to upstage the bride?"
Biatch1- "That wouldn't be too hard. Her anorexic arse is the only thing taking away from her bad head".
* Biatch 3- "Why spend all this money (bahahahaha) on a wedding? It's ridiculous, not to mention she'll lose the Sole Parents pension!"
* Boganboy1- You think we'll pick up tonight? The bridesmaids look alright.
Boganboy2- Yeah, probably get some Bundy and Cokes into em, they'll be hot to trot. (hot to trot? WTF?) I call dibs on the redhead.
Boganboy1- Fuck off, i bagsed her when she arrived.
Boganboy2- No worries, I'll take the short one. She's got nice tits.
*Biatch 4- They better have kegs at this party or I'm taking my present back.
Biatch 5- What did you get them?
Biatch 4- A pedestal fan.
Biatch 5- Thoughtful.
Can you see why I was laughing so much?
So onto the reception and that's where things took a turn for the worse. Imagine if you will, coloured lights and streamers adorning the Hills Hoist (That's a clothesline for you non-Aussies)
Two CD players blasting some Cold Chisel and strangely enough, Justin Timberlake, for ambiance, and a traditional Aussie BBQ to consume.
Let me just say, there is nothing quite like a burnt sausage in a roll with 'no name' tomato sauce for flavour, to munch on during wedding speeches. Sublime!
Highlights of the reception included.
*Watching a homemade bong being passed around the bridal table.
* The grooms father changing into shorts and wife beater, and leading his greyhounds across the "dancefloor" (a patch of mowed lawn) to the car so he could go to a race meet, IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GROOM'S SPEECH. It was very distracting. I couldn't concentrate on his "I ruly love you eh" wordsmithery.
*The brother of the bride, "going the knuckle" (fighting) with his older brother over a $50 loan. The mother trying to stop the fight and copping a wayward fist to the forehead, causing her to fall backwards into the vegie patch.
*Another fight that started over someone spilling beer on anothers "Going out jeans".
And the comment of the night that came from a pregnant 16 year old twat, who informed me that the reason she was cutting up her sausage so tiny was to "confuse the baby, as he doesn't like sausage and gives her indigestion something fierce"
Whaaaaaaaat?
Le Sigh! Don't judge me ok! You know you have relatives like this lurking in your family somewhere. Right. Right?????
*Bogan- Trailer park trash or a Chav in the UK.
posted by Steph at 11:53 AM
