My blog is becoming a humiliating record of all the stoopid, moronic things I do on a daily basis. Sometimes I frighten myself with the absurdity of it all. I'm sure most of you think I make this shit up, and to that I say "Bahahahahaha". I WISH! I don't WANT to come across as a clumsy, foot in mouth suffering freak. Noooo. I want to be seen as sophisticated, witty, intelligent woman of the world dammit! Alas, that's not me. I lurch from one weird mishap to another, all the while feeling like I'm the star in some bad 50's sitcom. This is my life. The funnage never stops. Arggh!

So anyway, I document it here, hoping that one day Doctors will find a cure for my particular type of retardese, and hopefully you all can learn something from it. Like how to stay upright, avoid dog shit and make lax cake. Essentials really.

This week I started my new job and I tell you, if first impressions count, then I'm screwed. On day one I managed to lose the keys to the company car. Yay. Then for three days I was calling my boss TOM when his name is DOM, then I managed to snap a wheel off my chair by playing a game where I don't walk around my office at all, I slide. It's quite fun, especially if you're a lazy fucker like myself.
To cap it all off, my boss and some others I work with, took me out for a gorgeous lunch to welcome me to the company. What harm can come from that?
Ha! Do you not know me better by now?

All was going swimmingly until I had one of my world famous sneeze attacks. For those that don't know, I'm a big sneezer and trying to hold one back results in weird facial twitching and eye watering to the point where I look like a demented freak from planet Loon.
Anyway, I couldn't hold it in anymore, I covered my mouth, turned my head and ACHOOED loudly.
Somehow, a tiny bit of Caesar salad escaped, flew through my fingers and onto the table.

HORRIFIED!!!!!

How exactly does one recover from a moment like that? To me, it felt like the whole restaurant stopped and starred and that tiny bit of lettuce grew to the size of a pumpkin, sitting up on the table like a freakin Jack-o-lantern, laughing at me with his scary pumpkin mouth and saying "Ahhh Spazzy McTard, stick to drive through McDonalds you FREAK" Gahhhhhh!!!!

*sigh* What really happened was that my co-workers, god love em', pretended not to notice and carried on the conversation without missing a beat. I slyly put my napkin over the offending bit of lettuce and all was well.
I bet they had a good chuckle about it back at the office. There's probably inter office memo's flying around right now about my uncouth spitting spree!

Honestly, you can't take me anywhere.

So.......Who wants to go out for dinner? I'm sure I can spill the soup or trip over the waiter for an encore!

Have a good weekend everyone :)